overture

[keiara]

I probably would've gotten into Harvard if I was just a little more self-absorbed.

That's a joke. If you didn't laugh you have a terrible sense of humor and should re-consider your lif- no I'm joking once again my bad, sorry guys.

"but Bibi," you might be wondering, "What on earth do you mean you would've gotten into one of the top colleges in the United States if you were more self-absorbed? Isn't being obsessed with yourself considered a negative trait?" Fair point. "How could just changing a 'little' bit have made such a big difference in your life?" Right. "Also, did you actually think you had a shot of getting into Harvard? I mean, you aren't that smart." Okay well now you're just being mean.

First, let me give an operational definition for 'self-absorbed' in this post. When I say self-absorbed, I mean it in the word-for-word Merriam-Webster dictionary definition sense: "Absorbed in one's own thoughts, activities, or interests" (side note, why do we often just call it the 'Webster dictionary'; what happened to Merriam? I must've missed the #MerriamIsOverParty). So here, self-absorbed isn't an inherently 'bad' trait that must be associated with narcissists and/or those with overly inflated egos who run around thinking the world's against them, its just a way to describe being more into yourself. Not more self-aware, I think I'm quite good at that. More like self-willing-to-talk-about-yourself.

Now, how could being this version of self-absorbed have gotten me into Harvard? If I'm being honest, I just used the Harvard example because I'm going to relate this back to my college essay so, you know, college essay = colleges = Harvard. Naturally.

My college essay was nothing special; it was about how food can bring together a community. I was really lacking on ideas for my essay (for how important these essays are, schools don't do much to prepare you for thi- actually, they probably do. I just likely didn't pay attention or care) and as a 12th grader with an eating disorder and strong feelings of loneliness, I guess I just wrote about what I wish I had. I depraved myself of food so I wrote about my love of food. I felt disconnected from society, friends, and family so I penned out a hope to be more connected to them. Can you see the self-awareness appearing yet?

Despite whatever deeper desires I had laid into my essay (Freud would love this), the actual writing and message that I had intended was incredibly simple. There was nothing about this essay that should have caused me to stress as hard as I did over it, nothing about it should have led me to procrastinate it's creation for months, leading to tension between me and my dad, school guidance counselor, etc. Why couldn't I write a lazy, corny, 500 word summary of how certainly deserved to get into your super awesome college Mr. Admissions Officer, gee whiz! Just a couple paragraphs on how I was actually super interesting and cool and smart and totally different from all the res- Oh wait. Okay yeah, no I get it now. I can't write my essay because whatever these people want to hear from me just won't be true. I'll be handing them a bold-faced lie.

At least, that's what I said to myself.

I hate writing about myself. I hate sitting down in front of a therapist or psychologist or whatever and describing my thoughts and emotions because why should you know or care. I don't even like to think about how I'm feeling, why should some random other person get to know? I'm nothing special or extraordinary in a noteworthy way; I'm not super smart or athletic, I can't paint or play piano, hell, I didn't even get a mental illness that makes me obsess over actually useful things. The only ways that I think I could be special are in worrying ways; stuff like mental and physical health issues. Just writing THAT out made me cringe and want to delete it; but I won't because that's what I'm trying to fight. I need to talk about myself. I need to be more self-absorbed.

This is why I'm going to start using this blog. Or journal. Website. Whatever you or I want to call it. I need a place to not just be self-aware, but put that awareness to use (I would say good use but I think that for now, just 'use' is more accurate). If I want to improve my life, I'm going to have to start being more self-absorbed. I need to care about myself: my thoughts, my activities, my interests, my wellbeing, etc. I think I'm making moves to be there, I no longer feel like a spectator in my own life (which is a topic for another entry later on), but I don't yet think this is the life I am meant to live. I want to take control of myself and instead of just accepting my current state of content-ness, I have to be willing to seek out happiness. I can't let a fear of lows hold me back from experiencing (the epic) highs (of high school football). I wrote my college essay as surface level as possible so I could write about myself without actually writing about myself; and that's likely the reason it ended up so unremarkable, so unmemorable to me. Maybe if I could learn to be interested in myself, I can go through life in a way that truly reflects me. I can live my life as myself, without too much fear.

Before I leave, let me make one thing clear: don't go thinking I hate myself, that is NOT the takeaway here. I honestly do like a lot of myself. I almost wrote 'but I want to like all of myself' but that's not true either, I don't think theres anyone who's ever lived that truly liked every part of themselves. If there is, they're probably crazy. I'm not really sure how to describe how I feel about myself and I guess that's one of the things I'll hope to come to be able to describe through these entries. 

Right now it's past midnight, my roommate is being annoying, and I think it's time for me to go bed. Just like my college essay, I've put off writing this first entry for weeks now. I had no idea what to make it about, but I think this is good enough. Y'know let me rephrase that: This is good enough because I'm tired and want to sleep. Yup, Much better! Goodnight.