my challenge (day 1)

[keiara]

I have a new motto for school work next year: “good enough, move on”. i think that to most people, this would sound like laziness; like rather than actually putting in effort to actually create something good, i’m just allowing myself to be content with mediocrity. But that's just it: i need to be okay with mediocrity sometimes, because an ‘eh’ grade is better than none at all. I failed my history class this semester in which i had gotten an 100 on every assignment so far and a 90-something on the midterm. I was one of the people who frequently made comments in class, i submitted all my work on time, all the stuff you’re supposed to do to be a good student in a uni class. And it definitely showed as even on my report for failure of a class, my professor wrote that i was an active student and a ‘pleasure to have in class’. So like…. What went wrong? Well, it was the fact that i never submitted 2 final assignments: a final essay and a analysis of a primary source. Both of these should have been so easy for me to do, but i just never found a ‘right time’ or right feeling to start them. ive convinced myself that i have to do everything perfect or close to what i believe is “right” first time around because it drives me crazy otherwise. I am NOT a “first draft” person because having anything messy or “wrong” drives me insane. Whether its a simple homework reflection, a 15 page research paper, a 1 sentence text message, or a dreamwidth blog idea, the majority of the things i think never actually get put to paper (or screen i guess) because i don’t think its good enough to exist and be observed, even if its just by me. Now obviously teh things i mentioned are all things that others will see and interpret (especially the school work stuff) and thats what makes me not want to submit it. I would rather fail by submitting nothing to be judged than get anything below an 88% on something i created s because that means whatever i made was unworthy in the eyes of someone else. I just prefer to outright fail than admit i can create mediocracy. But like my dad brought up the point that the 2 assignments i didnt do could have been absolutely terrible but if i had just submitted something, i probably wouldn't have failed the class. I dont know why im like this too because when i even do rush assignments and submit work i dont think is good, i still get Bs and As anyways so its not that im dumb its just that im way too scared of pissibly being seen as dumb or lacking that id almost rather be seen as lazy and uncaring by not submitting stuff. So to try and get over that mental blockade, ive decided that every day, i have to write and upload something to here (dreamwidth) for the next hmm… month. Yes that sounds good. Until june 29th i have to write something by midnight of every day and put it on my dreamwidth blog even if i think it sucks and isnt anything useful; I just have to put words down and move on. I’ll have a 250 word minimum so i cant just get away with a song lyric that was copy and pasted because man im not submitting song lyrics as assignments (well actually one assignment i did procrastinate one time was submitting a song in a google form so wow damn maybe i do just need to write a single sentence but ok no im sticking with 250 words). Also yes, i did proscrastiate THIS entry until less than an hour before my “deadline” but hey, at least i got it done! Yeah, this entry is good enough. I think ill move on now. See you tomorrow!

wait actually one last thing: MANNN i dont wanna have full days of work for the next two days fml fml for real #lazybum ok bye now seriously