"i gotcha"
Sat, Dec. 14th, 2024 02:46 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
keiarai think that one good goal i want to be able to accomplish in my lifetime is becoming a regular at a cafe. i wanna be able to walk into a bakery and have someone "i'm gonna grab that chocolate muffin in advance", a boba shop where the cashier knows that despite my looking over the menu, i'm gonna order the exact same drink, made the exact same way, every time.
ok that's a little bit of an exaggeration; i haven't actually thought about this that much. it's one of those passing thoughts you have a few times a year and think "haha yeah, that would be cute" and then you move on and go back to doing your work. i think i just like when people notice things about me and actually care for it. like, when people mention things i'm interested in that i'm actually into and that isn't some random topic pulled from left field and/or a years-old interest.
i kind of do something similar at the place i work at over the summer with some of the people i see come in often. theres this one kid, probably like 9-11 years old, adhd, obsessed with weird random things from across the internet like hatsune miku, genshin, fnaf, etc., and he's so awesome. granted, he can be annoying as hell cause he does NOT care if you're trying to help a customer, he will talk to you anyways. but it's also kinda nice. there would literally be days where it was slow enough that i would leave my spot behind the counter and we would play genshin in the corner of the restaurant. his parents do whatever during the day and i guess he just isn't great at socializing so he clearly escapes to the internet and games for entertainment, and the place i work at kind of became a part of that escape. he would just stand behind the counter and talk with/at me until he got bored, would leave, and would come back an hour later to do the same. a lot of kids did this (i worked at a pool club by the way, so it's not a bunch of kids wandering the street walking in and out; they're coming into a snack bar, and then heading back out to the pool or whatever). however, despite everyone technically being a "regular" because i worked at a membership club, there was obviously a difference between the random adults who came in twice per month versus the elementary and middle schoolers that would surround our counter and talk to slash bother us nearly everyday. it's nice just having that familiar community.
i guess that's kind of what having friends is supposed to be like, but i don't think i've experienced that for a while. maybe i have a bit online, but not in real life. all of my friends honestly share pretty similar interests in things like music, fashion, art, etc., and a lot of the things i like is just not in that niche. we'll meet up and they'll discuss the new taylor swift album and going to take photos around the city and i'm like yeah i have no idea whats going on. it sucks because on one hand, i feel left out when i'm not invited to go on some trips or outings. on the other hand, i'm glad i'm not there because i know i'd want to leave a good 5 minutes into the journey. am i doomed to only want friends who share the same strange, hyperniche internet culture that i do? ok helll no that sounds terrible, imagine living a life where you can only be friends with people who know who hwarang, gwsn, and zhang shuaibo are; that's a total of like... 6 people. all of whom i probably know.
i just want to have some sort of importance in people's lives. on one hand, i feel like we're all so afraid to be vulnerable and say things like "i'm glad we're friends, you genuinely make my day better and i consider us close" and on the other hand, i don't think its healthy for a relationship to only be happy and sustainable if one or more parties has to constantly be reassured of how they matter through phrases like the ones i just mentioned. man, why can't relationships be easy. i think that would make life a whole lot more enjoyable.
anyways, shoutout to all of those who care for me, even if they don't verbalize it. and shoutout to all the people i care about, even if i also don't verbalize it... okay for real we have got to figure out a better system for this whole thing, man.
ok that's a little bit of an exaggeration; i haven't actually thought about this that much. it's one of those passing thoughts you have a few times a year and think "haha yeah, that would be cute" and then you move on and go back to doing your work. i think i just like when people notice things about me and actually care for it. like, when people mention things i'm interested in that i'm actually into and that isn't some random topic pulled from left field and/or a years-old interest.
i kind of do something similar at the place i work at over the summer with some of the people i see come in often. theres this one kid, probably like 9-11 years old, adhd, obsessed with weird random things from across the internet like hatsune miku, genshin, fnaf, etc., and he's so awesome. granted, he can be annoying as hell cause he does NOT care if you're trying to help a customer, he will talk to you anyways. but it's also kinda nice. there would literally be days where it was slow enough that i would leave my spot behind the counter and we would play genshin in the corner of the restaurant. his parents do whatever during the day and i guess he just isn't great at socializing so he clearly escapes to the internet and games for entertainment, and the place i work at kind of became a part of that escape. he would just stand behind the counter and talk with/at me until he got bored, would leave, and would come back an hour later to do the same. a lot of kids did this (i worked at a pool club by the way, so it's not a bunch of kids wandering the street walking in and out; they're coming into a snack bar, and then heading back out to the pool or whatever). however, despite everyone technically being a "regular" because i worked at a membership club, there was obviously a difference between the random adults who came in twice per month versus the elementary and middle schoolers that would surround our counter and talk to slash bother us nearly everyday. it's nice just having that familiar community.
i guess that's kind of what having friends is supposed to be like, but i don't think i've experienced that for a while. maybe i have a bit online, but not in real life. all of my friends honestly share pretty similar interests in things like music, fashion, art, etc., and a lot of the things i like is just not in that niche. we'll meet up and they'll discuss the new taylor swift album and going to take photos around the city and i'm like yeah i have no idea whats going on. it sucks because on one hand, i feel left out when i'm not invited to go on some trips or outings. on the other hand, i'm glad i'm not there because i know i'd want to leave a good 5 minutes into the journey. am i doomed to only want friends who share the same strange, hyperniche internet culture that i do? ok helll no that sounds terrible, imagine living a life where you can only be friends with people who know who hwarang, gwsn, and zhang shuaibo are; that's a total of like... 6 people. all of whom i probably know.
i just want to have some sort of importance in people's lives. on one hand, i feel like we're all so afraid to be vulnerable and say things like "i'm glad we're friends, you genuinely make my day better and i consider us close" and on the other hand, i don't think its healthy for a relationship to only be happy and sustainable if one or more parties has to constantly be reassured of how they matter through phrases like the ones i just mentioned. man, why can't relationships be easy. i think that would make life a whole lot more enjoyable.
anyways, shoutout to all of those who care for me, even if they don't verbalize it. and shoutout to all the people i care about, even if i also don't verbalize it... okay for real we have got to figure out a better system for this whole thing, man.
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